Kind of unsure what is this thing in me that brings out so many emotions. Hate to admit it but I've got to say that I've been binge drinking alot for the past year. It's kind of a habit now. Been giving myself so many excuses like how it's so much better than smoking etc but after all, it's still a fact that I'm an alcoholic. When I first started, I remember Pong told me that I will get tired of it eventually. That's not the case I guess? It's been a weekly routine of downing at least a glass every week, and the thought of it just makes me so disgusted with myself actually. Still not a good enough motivation for me to stop though....

Been reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower the past week. Am 3/4 into the book now, completing most of the pages since 9pm tonight. Idk why but it's making me feel so confused deep down. Maybe that's just what books do to you, they make you think about stuff that you haven't thought about before/stuff that you avoid thinking about. Honestly this is the second real book I've read (because I've always hated reading). The first book was great, definitely (blogged about it before, right after I read it), and this well, is great too but unlike the first, it's not in a relatable kind of great but in a idk-what-kind-of-great kind of great. Wished I could write like how Charlie is writing, and somehow wishing that I could somehow live like Charlie. Read this part about Bob (a friend of his who's a single child and is not close to his parents), felt so relatable that I almost cried. The sad thing about being the only child that most people wouldn't get is loneliness. I finally understood why sometimes I would just be afraid to speak up without usually knowing the reason why. When people ask me 'what's the problem?' (especially if the problem lies with the person himself) or even in class during class participation, I'd usually run away from it, if anyone does notice. Not that I really have nothing to say, I have plenty of words running through my mind all the time when someone asks me things, just that I simply don't know how to phrase it. I didn't grow up having the chance to speak my mind, because there's nobody for me to speak to. And I hate it when someone doesn't understand this logic and blame me for not trying to speak. Not to be mean, but just because you've gotten all the chance to, and can articulate very well, it doesn't mean that everyone's like you. Sigh dk why I'm getting so frustrated for. Actually I've been frustrated over a lot of things recently, it's kind of getting on my nerves. These are the times when I really feel like being alone and doing things alone, just like how Charlie does it in the book. I'd enjoy the day at a mall just observing people like how he does it, wondering why people are there etc. It's actually very fulfilling to be alone sometimes, but wondering if someone out there wants to be thinking about the exact same things as you and be together with you at the exact same location, then sharing the thoughts with each other without having to argue over who's right and who's wrong. Well, I guess that's the kind of person I would love having in my life, but.........

I would keep on rambling about nonsensical thoughts but am thinking I should just keep thoughts as thoughts as all thoughts passes. Have a good night.