Pouring my heart out on this space again. How has everyone been doing lately? I've not been doing well these days and it's getting on my nerves. I'm not a good writer, and never would I be. I read a blog yesterday, the writer's really good at her expression and I feel so much for her. Recollection is such a painful word to use. As I become more of an alcoholic, my memory have much deteriorated. But memories of what I want to erase the most, they still remain. It's painful. This process is really too painful. This evening, I'm letting my true self show. Yes, I've been living my life till the fullest each and every day since that day you left. Been out working, partying, meeting new friends. All these to fill up any empty time slots in my life just to make sure I'm preoccupied with activities, so that my mind wouldn't start wandering about. But this emptiness in me, it never gets filled. The void is always there. I do love my life as it is now. But if I were given a choice, I would still go back to living that life I lived 3 years ago. It's kind of ridiculous, how someone as strong and independent as me, would no matter what, give up all she has for this one person over and over. And no matter how much I try to deny, I miss you. I miss you so dearly.

Tonight, I feel so weak again. Still yearn for you to be here and hold me close, tell me that everything's going to be ok. As I close my eyes, I see myself there in your arms at your place. It's just nine in the morning. I remember waking up once the sun is up just to get to your place all the time, looking at your face when you were still sound asleep. I never cherished the moments. Only till I realized our relationship has changed its course, when I realized that we were drifting apart. I have so much regrets. I hate living with them buried in me. It sucks all the happiness away from me. I plead for a chance to start things all over again from the beginning. I would love you right this time round. I promise.

You can’t tell someone you love them and then change your mind. That’s not how it works. Once you love someone, you always love them. A part of you would always think of him for no reason. They’ll always be in the back of your mind. And no matter how much you love someone else, you’ll always love them too.

Seemingly pathetic, but I choose to believe that I'm not. This is who I am. And I believe love should be the way it is for me, because as it come joyous and unforgettable moments, there will be pain. Only then, it is true.

I love that boy. I told him I would love him forever, and I meant that. I thought I didn't mean it, thought it was just puppy love, but now I know I do.

If I had pennies, I would buy up all your thoughts.