It was one of the worst nights last night. All alone, I started thinking about life once again. This time I felt so hopeless. Well, not as though I haven't been hopeless before... All of my 18 years of life, all that I've been capable of, was to study and to give. I've been taught that studies are all that matters. I ventured out to this arena called Love. I found myself in there. Sometimes I regretted it, sometimes I didn't. Ultimately, it changed me, and taught me so much more things out of the textbooks and notes. I battled in this arena and fought so hard, because it's the only thing I believed that was true. I lost, I lost so badly. Bruised and scarred, I dragged my feet out. Was it worthed it actually? I thought he was the only person who understands, who would feel for me, but the truth is, all you ever will have is yourself. It wasn't his fault actually, I was the one who was too demanding, that I got to admit. Well it was because I was more than willing to give anything, so I demanded the same things too. I was the one who ruined everything, and ruined myself.

I sat on the couch yesterday, realizing how pathetic my life was. Quarreled with mum over the internet bills again. I really want a place where I can call home. Every single time I get back home, I feel as though it's somewhere I don't belong to. I feel ever more miserable being here than anywhere else. Others say family is where comfort is, yet mine has none. I have to face the same old torment of trying to communicate with the both of you at home every time I get back here. No sense of belonging.

Exactly where, do I belong to?

Struggling through everything, I really wonder what I'm actually capable of. I began doubting myself. I don't see a point in putting so much effort to actually stay alive, honestly. Gave in so much for love yet all I got was denial and pain, coming back home hoping for some kind of contentment yet it was just another battle, putting in so much effort in my studies but truth is, isn't it all because of money? Money money money, every damn thing is about wealth. Why did He make some people richer than others without having them putting in any effort at all? Why do people like me, have to go through so much bullshit yet at the same time have to constantly worry about burnt pockets as well?

It was the first time I COL (cried out loud) at home without bothering about what mum would think of me, whether she'd worry or not. Well, she didn't bother to ask. Haha, that actually made everything worse. Why do I bother, really? Bother trying to find a job right after A's while others plan to have all the fun they can, just because I want to lighten the family's financial problems. My responsibilities? Then why is it that she can stay home without any worries and watch the tv for the entire day not considering about the depleting bank accounts and unpaid bills? Fking unreasonable. I just want to lead a life that's just like the rest, can't you make it possible for me?

Just get A's over and done with.