Welcome to my life,
How long will you stay this time?


SELLING Celeste Claire Daiqian Eunike Jasmine Joann Michelle Sarah Shermaine Suhui Xinlin Xuemiao Zhiying

Wednesday, May 8, 2013
1:24 AM
NUS Year 1 Semester 2
Came across this space and realize how it turned from my daily ranting avenue to just another neglected space. Well, I'm going to try to put down in words the things I remember happening over the past few months, because after taking one mod (Business communications, if you're wondering), I begun to understand the importance of blogs/diaries as a form of reflection tool. It always makes me feel so much better whenever I type things out, and perhaps that was what kept me going the past few years. But I guess I lost it when other social media platforms came along... (I've been terribly active on Twitter and Instagram - not surprising due to my love for photography actually).

So, I'll try to recall the things that happened over the semester.

1) I've moved out of hall.
Not sure if I mentioned this before in previous posts (I'm too lazy to read them), but yup, the reason I moved out was because I felt even more lonely there even though I was surrounded by friends all around me. Hall let me learn the true meaning of home, and how blessed I've been to have someone cook me meals everyday, and to tidy up my room, my clothes everyday. I really appreciate my mum a lot now. Other than that, I've been treating another place like hall ever since I moved out of KR. Since its way more convenient to travel to school and also since everyday of the week my lessons start at either 8am/9am (damn the core mods schedule), I've decided to stay over at T's place for the weekdays. To those who thinks that it's inappropriate to "move in" when we're barely even together for long, well I don't really bother explaining my rational behind the decision. To sum it up, I honestly feel that this managed to bring us way closer emotionally and I'm grateful that it did. Our relationship didn't start off well because of both of our old memories and fears, but now I can safely say that everything is WAY better. And that's something to be happy for :)

2) I've made new and more compatible friends in Biz School, and managed to get closer to those I already knew - by name but not personality.
I'm grateful that I had Francine, Anton and Ben through all the mods with me this semester. I don't feel as alone anymore in biz school because of their presence. It's awesome how we took part in a photo competition and the 'Ben kissing Anton' pose became a trademark for future photos now. It's also awesome how Ben drove us out to Holland V for lunch and to Buona Vista for the Ben&Jerry's free cone day. As for new friends, I'm utterly grateful for my Marketing group members. We're really all of 'the same kind', if you must describe. They have been such great members and people to be with. The jokes we share with each other at 3am in the mornings while rushing through our project reports and PowerPoint slides are simply priceless. On the last sectionals day I was quite bitter because it would mean the last lesson with them. Till we meet again? Next semester hopefully!!

3) I became a healthier person.
Based on my own judgement that is. I feel so much healthier this semester as compared to last semester because of all the irregular sleep from hall. This sem was filled with regular sleep (everyday sleep at 11pm-1am, wake at 6-7am), jogging or swimming sessions once in awhile and no clubbing at all. I still drink though, but it's way lesser and not as frequent anymore. So in overall, I'm still doing great health-wise!

4) Tim.
Well like I said, I've been spending a lot of time with him. Yet, I've been spending spare time with closer friends as well. And that makes me feel so much healthier than in the previous rship with D. I'm still not absolutely over D yet, but I'm working on it.... Yes it's possible to love two people at the same time. You'll understand someday. There have been quite a bit of major downs with Tim though. We almost ended things when I couldn't cut my habit of not voicing out my thoughts, and when I found out secrets that he's been hiding. I don't understand why people always take me for granted.. Am I such a pushover? Perhaps that's the bad thing about treating someone too well...
So anw, he'll be off to UK for 3 years of studies very soon. I'm not sure if things will work out, but I hope it does. At least if it does, it gives me greater faith for love. All the faith were destroyed by all the truths that were uncovered. Having ended the semester, it just serves to remind me that September will be reaching very soon. Sigh. To keep the end in mind.

Till then,

Thursday, January 10, 2013
2:02 AM
"Everyone is always comparing everyone with everyone and because of that, it discredits people."
Kind of unsure what is this thing in me that brings out so many emotions. Hate to admit it but I've got to say that I've been binge drinking alot for the past year. It's kind of a habit now. Been giving myself so many excuses like how it's so much better than smoking etc but after all, it's still a fact that I'm an alcoholic. When I first started, I remember Pong told me that I will get tired of it eventually. That's not the case I guess? It's been a weekly routine of downing at least a glass every week, and the thought of it just makes me so disgusted with myself actually. Still not a good enough motivation for me to stop though....

Been reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower the past week. Am 3/4 into the book now, completing most of the pages since 9pm tonight. Idk why but it's making me feel so confused deep down. Maybe that's just what books do to you, they make you think about stuff that you haven't thought about before/stuff that you avoid thinking about. Honestly this is the second real book I've read (because I've always hated reading). The first book was great, definitely (blogged about it before, right after I read it), and this well, is great too but unlike the first, it's not in a relatable kind of great but in a idk-what-kind-of-great kind of great. Wished I could write like how Charlie is writing, and somehow wishing that I could somehow live like Charlie. Read this part about Bob (a friend of his who's a single child and is not close to his parents), felt so relatable that I almost cried. The sad thing about being the only child that most people wouldn't get is loneliness. I finally understood why sometimes I would just be afraid to speak up without usually knowing the reason why. When people ask me 'what's the problem?' (especially if the problem lies with the person himself) or even in class during class participation, I'd usually run away from it, if anyone does notice. Not that I really have nothing to say, I have plenty of words running through my mind all the time when someone asks me things, just that I simply don't know how to phrase it. I didn't grow up having the chance to speak my mind, because there's nobody for me to speak to. And I hate it when someone doesn't understand this logic and blame me for not trying to speak. Not to be mean, but just because you've gotten all the chance to, and can articulate very well, it doesn't mean that everyone's like you. Sigh dk why I'm getting so frustrated for. Actually I've been frustrated over a lot of things recently, it's kind of getting on my nerves. These are the times when I really feel like being alone and doing things alone, just like how Charlie does it in the book. I'd enjoy the day at a mall just observing people like how he does it, wondering why people are there etc. It's actually very fulfilling to be alone sometimes, but wondering if someone out there wants to be thinking about the exact same things as you and be together with you at the exact same location, then sharing the thoughts with each other without having to argue over who's right and who's wrong. Well, I guess that's the kind of person I would love having in my life, but.........

I would keep on rambling about nonsensical thoughts but am thinking I should just keep thoughts as thoughts as all thoughts passes. Have a good night.

Thursday, January 3, 2013
3:38 AM
2012 in a blink.
Every year's like a roller coaster ride for me. But that's what life is, and I'm thankful that it's like that for it is what I get to learn from. Pain, Happiness, Joy. I've been learning to cherish every single moment. Well, although my memory is really turning from bad to worse, I'm going to try my best summarizing the whole of the past year.

2012 started off with a blast at Fullerton hotel with people whom I wasn't very close to I must say. It wasn't the perfect company but it was the perfect location. At the point of time I wished for the company of D, but well, now I know that having Mandy, Vivian and Jasmine was actually enough for me, just that I didn't cherish. I can still remember what a spectacular view it was from the hotel's balcony. We missed the countdown but thank god, we didn't miss the fireworks. Best firework view I've seen in my life. Thanks to Zujing who made everything possible of course!

This year's celebration is one of the best. But the guilt still haunts me, since initial plans were cancelled because of me. Lucky thing is I still ended up with the best company to start the brand new year. Can't be more thankful for that :')

Always loved the December holidays. 2012's countdown to Xmas was held at Shaun's place with the best company as well. Although half the time people were doing their own stuff, at least everyone forked out the time to gather together. That's what matters :) (gonna be thankful for every little thing from 2013 onwards)

On Xmas day itself, celebrated with the sec sch clique. Finally some catch up but in the end almost half of the people slept haha. Was a fun night nonetheless!

Been on 3 trips in 2012. Fulfilling trips I must say. 1 with the clique, 1 with the BF and 1 with the group. What more could I have asked for? Hongkong trip was an eye-opener because it was the first time ever I've been to Disneyland. Never would I imagine myself enjoying myself at Disneyland since I never liked cartoons besides powerpuff girls maybe? The shopping there wasn't as good as expected but again, it's the company that matters :) Finally had the chance to bond closer to the girls. Never had much chance to in secondary school days due to BGR so I'm quite glad the trip happened.

Phuket trip with Tim's family was a great break that I needed from all the studying throughout the sem. I've been the most blessed to join in the family. Everyone's been extremely welcoming and generous, can't be more thankful for that. Always have difficulty in fitting into families, and I can't deny that I still feel kind of out of place. But of course I'll try harder to stop being so awkward, and I hope things would work out.

KL trip with the group was amazingly fun during the days AND nights. Although our plan to club failed in the end (I still feel extremely guilty about it), I very much enjoyed everything that happened during the trip. It was so much fun laughing at xy and being laughed at. Can't believe I got drunk on the 3rd night... But well, memories :) So glad the trip happened! More trips to come ;)

Tried so many different types of jobs this year, a large range of jobs not kidding. From SPH to booth girl to photographer to setting up games booths to giving out balloons to promoting makeup to waitress in a bar to tuitioning. All of these taught me extremely valuable skills and either helped me gain groups of friends or brought me closer to some existing ones. All of these made my 8 months of holiday worth it.

2012 brought me closer to my primary school friends especially Mandy Xueyong and Zhihao.

2012 brought me to my boy, Timothy. Because of the way we got to know each other, I'm starting to believe in something called "fate". And I do hope that this fate can bring us further despite all the obstacles ahead of us. Know I've said it a million times but I'm saying it again because I really do mean it. I'm SO thankful to have you in my life. It's really a whole new perspective you opened my eyes to. Thanks to you, I've learnt a lot and finally started to laugh and be happy again. :)

2012 marked the end of many other things too. It marked the end of me and D's long and complicated drama, and it marked the end of me and N's close friendship. I'm still very regretful for the lost of the friendship. If you happen to read this N, if in any case you're talking to your friends about me like how you used to talk to me about L, I hope that you can recall what I always said to you regarding her. I don't think anyone would be try to fix our friendship like how I tried to fix yours and hers, but I really do hope that we can still be friends again at least. You were there for me when I was at the lowest point of my life and I don't wish to lose such a great friend from my life just because of my silly mistake. Sorry.

Although this post ended in a sad note, I would say 2012 was a great year. To more happy things to come in 2013! Xoxo.

Sunday, December 30, 2012
10:45 AM
2013 Resolutions.
1. Love myself.
2. Studies as priority.
3. Contentment.
4. SEP.
5. Change people's lives.
6. Live for myself and myself only.
7. Quality > Quantity when it comes to friends.

Monday, December 24, 2012
2:42 PM
It's almost the end of the year. Today's Xmas Eve.
I have no idea how I should describe the year 2012. It started off in a pretty sad state and now it's ending on a pretty sad note too. The year has flown by so quickly that I didn't really have the chance to stop and think for a second or two. This time last year I was very much devastated and broken. Then as 2012 passes by, things got better because of the girlfriends I had with me. I am very thankful for their presence at those points of time when I really needed someone there. Mid 2012 was yet another turn in life. Met so many new people and gained so many new experiences. But guess I made the wrong decision and ended up feeling so lost again at the end of the year.
I think I'm really in need of a good composition of myself before I can move on from here. I never did understand the logic that I've got to be my own before I can be another's. Through these years I've always been living life for whoever I felt were important to me, I've never truly lived life for myself.

Monday, December 17, 2012
1:21 AM